Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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