Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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