the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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