He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't deserve a penis
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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