Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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