Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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