It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
