You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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