batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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