you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize