Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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