If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
