Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize