Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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