And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
