This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
