i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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