its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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