I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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