May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
True college students do jello shots in the library
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
