I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize