More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
