We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Four minutes until I can fart!
it was like eating out sand paper
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize