Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
