No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm both gender and math confused
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
