Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
