omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
