Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
