I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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