I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize