I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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