bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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