R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
