I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
