hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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