im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
