If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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