Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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