she woke up with a sticky ear
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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