I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize