The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
