...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
