I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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