You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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