This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
