I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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