Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
