sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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