I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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