I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
