I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
