All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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