Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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