I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize