Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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