my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just forgot I was standing up.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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