Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize