hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
