i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
