I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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