I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
