mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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