Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
