Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
