I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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