No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Alive.
So much puke
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
