This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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