I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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