the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
