I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
