My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Randomize
