Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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