I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
