Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
