She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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